It has been so long since I have posted here…way too long. I really need to get back to my writings.
A lot has happened in our lives. We have moved from our mountain home to where Master grew up in Middle Georgia. It has been a year and a half now and I am still getting used to it. I still find myself longing for home on many occasions. We are living in the house where Master grew up. His father passed away a year ago in April and here we stayed. I like it here and the house is nice and I have made it home. Of course though…home is where ever Master is. Our lives have changed somewhat. We live next door to Masters mother and his family lives very close by. So, the way we used to live is quite different. But, we make it work and who we are never changes.
Getting the house and property in order seems to be a never ending project. Maybe one day it will come together and things will slow down. This is our life now and life goes on, it may change but who we are still remains.
On Fetlife there is a group that someone started called YoLU. It stands for Year Of Living Uncomfortably. It’s like a journey. A journey of not letting our fears own us and not letting others define us, and becoming who we want to be. it’s about stepping out of our boxes and testing our own boundaries and limitations. In discomfort we grow! So this is the start of my YoLU. My youngest daughter left for college a few weeks ago and I am adjusting to not having kids in the house for the first time since I was 19 years old. It’s hard to believe that my children are grown and on their own. I am enjoying the breathing room, but at the same time its bitter-sweet. Master and I are now for the first time able to be who we are fully. We are able to have our rituals and protocols out in the open. That feels really good. I am going to try to start going to some munches and meet some people and make some friends. I feel like I don’t have that in my life and it would be good to have others to talk to and be active with. I am also going to use this time to try to lose some weight. I really need to. I think I would feel so much better about myself and I am sure Master would like it if I would. My life has dramatically changed. I just hope I can move forward in the way that I want to. Its going to be a challenge!
I believe that Master and I have really good communication skills. We are able to talk about a lot of things. We even have the occasional argument, sometimes even heated arguments. Then, I feel really bad about arguing with him or having words, because I am his slave and it’s not my place to fight and argue with him. And, I usually have to deal with the after shock. Meaning there are consequences for my actions. What got me to thinking about this was an incident that happened last night. My neighbor called the police on her husband last night. They had a heated argument over money and she called the police. There was no violence involved just the argument. She didn’t like the way her husband was handling their money situation was all this was over. He had been giving money to their church every week and had kept it from her. Is that a reason to call the police? I think not.
If I had even dreamed about calling the police, our relationship would be over. If I told Master what he could or couldn’t do with his money then there would not be a dynamic between us. Does he ask me what I think about what he is going to spend it on sometimes, yes he does. But, the decision is all his. And I prefer it that way. But, I think we communicate very well. We don’t hide anything from each other and we have never felt the need to. I am very glad that we have the dynamic that we do. It makes things so much easier.
The times that things have gotten overly heated with words, we know that we just need a little space and we each go do something. I may go to the bedroom and journal he may go outside to his shop. Then when we have cooled off we talk.
How do you deal with anger in your relationship? Do you argue or fight? How do you deal with those kinds of feelings?
I was having a hard time coming up with a topic today, so I asked Master what he would like me to write about. He suggested that write about what goes on in my head during my worship time. First let me explain exactly I mean when I say “worship time.” This is a time that I dedicate to Master. He could be watching television or on the computer or even in the bed. I kneel in front of him, lean forward with my chest on the floor and my arms stretched out in front of me pointing towards Master. I use this time like a meditation time. I think about all the ways that I can improve my service to Master or ways to improve myself to be better for Master. I reflect on how much I love him and how much I love serving him. This time means a lot to the both of us. It shows Master how dedicated I am to him and how much I love him. He usually has me do this two or three times a week. It keeps in a slave mind-set and grounds me and brings back to who I am if I am having an off day.
There are times I can go into a deep meditation when I am worshiping. Then there are times that I fantasize about how I wish things were or how they could be. Often I have pictured Master with another girl in the bed and I am tied to chair made to watch them. I also envision how things would be if Master had another submissive or slave here with us.
I believe that this worship time over the years has brought us closer as Master & slave.
Being the masochist that I am, I love to feel many different types of implements on my body. For me, its a way to let stress out or just the need to feel the pain. I can’t explain that need, but it is something that has been a part of me for a very long time. I also like to think that when I am receiving the pain, I am taking the strokes for my Master. Over the years the more he has given, the more I have taken. I trust him to know where he can take me. The sting, the burn, the hurt, it’s such a wonderful feeling for me.
Recently, I have had the desire to go a little further. I want to know just how much I can with stand. I want to know just how far Master will go and much Master is willing to give. I want to wear his deep marks. I want to know what it feels like to be brought to the edge of no return with him and have the bruises and markings to show for it. Master has never had that kind of session with me. Maybe one day I will know what that is like. I yearn for his markings on my body, to take that pain for him. To submit to him in that way I would imagine would be magical.
This morning Master ended up not having such a good morning. It just seemed like nothing he was trying to do work wise was working out and then some other things were going wrong. It was just one of those mornings. He went outside for awhile to clear his mind. When he came back in, he told me to meet him in the bedroom. I was quite confused. But, I did as I was told and I went to the bedroom. Once he got to the bedroom he looked at me and told me to lay across the bed and present him my ass. So…I did. He told me he needed to take out some frustration and he just needed me to lie there and take it. No moving around, no complaining, just serve him by saying thank you Master after each stroke. Now you have to realize that we haven’t played or done a scene in FOREVER and I have needed a release for a long time. So, I didn’t hesitate. Although, I did feel that I was serving him by just letting him do what he needed to do to. I will serve him in any way that he needs me to or wants me to. I am here to bring him peace. But, at the same time I am so smiling on the inside!
First came the belt for a warm up, then the dreaded cane. I loved every minute of it and did not want it to end. I hope I have made Master feel some what better or at least served him in a way that my devotion showed.
There are times that I do not want to do what Master tells me to do, or requests me to…but I do those things anyway. Sometimes I huff and puff and sometimes I will try to tell him the reasons that I don’t want to do them. He will simply say that he understands why I don’t want to do it, but that it’s going to get done anyway. In my mind I know that I am going to do what I am told no matter what. Why…well because that is what I agreed to when entering our relationship. It’s what makes us work, it’s the dynamic we have. He has the ultimate power and I obey. The contract that I signed with Master says that I agree to submit to him in every way. Not just sometimes or when I choose, but all the time. Yes, there are many times I just don’t want to and that is where my “obedience with grace” comes in. Master will remind me of who I am (not that I need reminding). It has never occurred to me that he would end our relationship if I did not obey him. I am sure that if it happened over and over that would be a consequence that I would have to face. To me, not obeying would strike at the core of our dynamic. We would not have the TPE anymore.
I have had punishments for not obeying. I accept those with grace also. I know that by not obeying that I agreed that punishments could happen. After the punishment is over, we talk and then life goes on. I don’t feel like me obeying or not obeying is an ultimatum with Master. he doesn’t give me ultimatums. He shouldn’t have to. He is in charge of me and I do what I am told. It’s as simple as that. I have read things that other subs or slaves have wrote that say that they obey because they love their Dom/Master. Maybe that could be true…for us though our M/s relationship trumps the other side of us. I agreed to obey him and be his slave even before we fell in love. I obey because of my devotion to him as his slave and because it is the core of who I am.
I find comfort in knowing that it is as simple as “obey or leave.”