This morning I commented on a thread that was posted on Fetlife. The topic was who is really in control in a M/s relationship. Just like the person who started the thread, I too have read that some think that the slave is really the one with all control and that without a slave there is no Master. Those sort of things. This just doesn’t resonate with me.
When Master and I were getting to know each other and trying to see if we were right for each other, he told me what he would expect out of a Master/slave relationship. He wanted me to know up front. So, when he took me as his I knew how things would be. I have never thought for one minute that I had any control in our dynamic. He makes all the decisions and set all the rules and protocols. I can’t even end our relationship. If I wanted things to end and I felt it was just not working out, I could express those feelings and talk about them. We would discuss what was going on and try to fix it. If I still wanted out, I would have to come to him and ask for release. It would be up to him to let me go. If he said no, then I would not be going anywhere. I made a commitment to him and I would live up to it. We have a great relationship and understanding about things. I know that he is the one on control and I would not have it any other way. We talk about so much and I do give my opinions and he values my opinions. There are even times that he has gone with what I have suggested. But, again he made the choice to do that. But in the end what he says goes.
I could not be in a relationship and call it a Master/slave or Owner/property if I thought I held the control. That defeats the purpose of the dynamic in every way. I guess the father I fell down into the rabbit hole, the more internally I became enslaved to Master. This is reality for us and how we live our every day lives. I am physically and mentally his in every way.
This is where I see the difference between M/s and D/s. In my mind when you are just a submissive I guess you do hold some of the control. You get to decide on what you like and don’t like and what you will and won’t do. And, I suppose you could just walk away from the relationship. M/s is so much harder and you have to be a strong person inside and out to have this kind of dynamic. for me at least there have been many struggles in my head along the way. Then there was just complete surrender. The control is all his.
A few night ago, Master and I were playing around with some of the toys and he put the nipple clamps on me. We haven’t used those in a long time…a very long time. I used to really love them, now they just plain hurt. I used to could take wearing them for a long period of time, even the tugging on them. So to “recondition” them, Master is having me wear them for 30 minutes a day starting today. I am not looking forward to it. I am to wear them doing my housework or just doing stuff around the house. I think Master is also kind of testing or pushing me. In a way that gives me comfort. Pleasing him just makes me feel good inside, knowing that he is making me better for him. My pain is his pleasure.
This afternoon, Master brought out the small flogger from the bedroom and told me to pull my shirt up, so I did. He flogged my breast and nipples for a while and then he pulls out the clamps and put them on me and said I had to wear them for half an hour. Half an hour, I said to myself…it might as well be 2 hours I was thinking. Then, about 15 minutes later I was saved by the knock at the door…it was the service man coming to replace our modem. YAY!!!! I got to go and take them off….but then came the news I didn’t want to hear, I would be wearing them sometime tonight for an extended period of time. I just keep telling myself….”my pain is his pleasure!”
Today on one of the sites I go on…a lot, someone asked the question about the term “doormat.” I come across this term very often on different sites. You will read, “I’m a submissive or slave, but I am not a doormat.”
The connotation of the word doormat just does not ring well in some people’s ears. But, when you break it down to it’s component parts it either sounds pretty good or it’s easier to accept. If you surrender everything without hesitation or question and you will do anything that you are told to do and you are someone’s property, then your are at doormat status(my opinion). If you reserve the right to pick and choose what you want to do or not to do or you negotiate, then you are far from that and probably don’t like the connotation of doormat. Then you might consider yourself a submissive and not a slave or property. And that’s just fine. Yes, I know…there are a lot of slaves that will say they do not like the term either….I am writing this for everyone that does and doesn’t like the term. I thought it was an interesting topic.
It took me a long time to get to this point. long ago, I think I would have taken offense to someone calling me a doormat, not now. I am Master’s slave & property. My place is at his feet. He encompasses my life and everything I do is for him. He controls every aspect of my life. I think that qualifies me for doormat status. To Master, I would probably be his welcome mat and at night his bath mat. (on a lighter note)
I am a very intelligent woman. I held a job for many years where I had several people working under me. Then I was a probation officer. I was a P2 and carried a gun and went to some very unpleasant places to track felons down. I am by no means a person someone else can push around. I am Master’s doormat, if you will. I submit and surrender only to him. So, to the outside world, I am not. Master does value everything about me and he loves the strong person that I am. I am very respected and loved by him. And that makes me feel very good inside. I like who I am. I am his slave, his property….and yes I am his doormat!
The one thing that I desire most in my relationship with Master is kink. I want to be his slut slave. I want to be his little cunt. I want him to use different devices and make me wear and use clamps, dildos, and other things for daily tasks. I want him to use me sexually for his pleasure. I used to love having anal sex and wish so much to feel that again. I desire to feel Master’s hands and fingers on my cunt. I want to feel his belt or paddle on my bare butt just for his pleasure and for me to feel that pain that I so crave. I want to feel his flogger on my back until my back just can’t take anymore. I just want him to use me as his sex slave every now and then.
I know that my desires are just that…wants and desires. But, in a sense for me it is a need. It is something that is important to me. I wish I could have that. I fantasize about having another Dom that does those things to me and who wants to do those things to me. I find it so hard to talk to Master about these kinds of things. I don’t know how. And when I do try, things become difficult for us. So, I just leave it alone. It’s always there in my mind though.
Desires,crave, needs, wants…….am I selfish? Does that make me less of a slave?