During the time that I have been away so many things have changed…where we moved to, how we live our lives and me. I have lost 115 pounds. I had to take time away from a lot of things to focus on myself and Master. It has been one of the hardest things I have ever done and now even harder to stay on track. I know I can do it though. I feel better and I look at life in a totally different way now.
The not so improved me found myself feeling tired all time and my joints hurt a lot and there were other things that I was experiencing. After many doctors and many blood test we found out I have two different auto immune issues. One is called mixed connective tissue disorder and the other is psoriatic arthritis. So, I have to battle with those things now, but I haven’t let it get me down. I just have to fight harder to do the things I need and want to do.
I’m back though…ready to share my life again…ready to be the new and improved me!
It has been so long since I have posted here…way too long. I really need to get back to my writings.
A lot has happened in our lives. We have moved from our mountain home to where Master grew up in Middle Georgia. It has been a year and a half now and I am still getting used to it. I still find myself longing for home on many occasions. We are living in the house where Master grew up. His father passed away a year ago in April and here we stayed. I like it here and the house is nice and I have made it home. Of course though…home is where ever Master is. Our lives have changed somewhat. We live next door to Masters mother and his family lives very close by. So, the way we used to live is quite different. But, we make it work and who we are never changes.
Getting the house and property in order seems to be a never ending project. Maybe one day it will come together and things will slow down. This is our life now and life goes on, it may change but who we are still remains.
There has been a lot of talk on a slave being able to leave the relationship. What I absolutely don’t like to hear, is someone else telling others how they can live their lives and what is legal and not legal and what they can or cannot do. The only person who can tell me if I can leave is my Master. He is the only one that can tell me what I can or cannot do. I wanted to write about how it is for me and what my reality actually is.
I wanted to make sure I really knew the man I was getting involved with. We took the time to find out about each other and explore everything there was to know. I became in awe of this man that was becoming more and more apart of my life. He was getting inside my head. There wasn’t a minute of the day that I didn’t think about him. When the time came and we actually talked about me becoming his slave he laid everything out. He told me what he expected and wanted from a M/s relationship and from me. He made it perfectly clear that he would have it no other way but his. It was his terms….not mine. I could accept all of this or walk away at that point. There would be no negotiating or saying, “well I want it this way, or could it be this way.” If I wanted to be with him, it was all or nothing.
One of the terms was that if at any point I wanted out, I needed to tell him and we would talk about it and try to work things out first. He said things can be fixed if they are worth fixing. Then, after that I still wanted out of the relationship I needed to come to him and ask him for my release. But, I had to understand that if he let me go, there would be no chance in hell of ever coming back to him. Along with that he would decide if I took anything with me. Even the things I brought into the relationship, because they would all belong to him at that point. On the other hand, if he told me I wasn’t leaving then I go no where. And, that would be how things would work. Then we talked about collaring. If and when that ever happened, once the collar was around my neck the option of ever leaving was gone for good. There would be no asking to be released. It would be a lifetime commitment. I would be his property, his slave, his forever.
I accepted all his terms. I knew exactly what I was doing. I became his slave and knew how things would work. Five years after we had been together, he put that collar around my neck. There is no leaving now. And just for those nay sayers….I CAN’T leave. This is my reality. This is how we live life. Why would ever want to leave though? I love my life with my Master. What we have is not something I would ever want to leave. I love who we are together.
Yesterday I didn’t feel to well and my service was not up to par. Master understood though and has been concerned about how I am feeling. Anyway, yesterday morning I brought him his coffee like I always do and I just handed it to him. He asked me if this is way I serve him. It hit me that I didn’t kneel when giving him his coffee. I apologized and made sure that I knelt when bringing him the second cup. Later on in the day Master was talking to me and I replied with just a yes. He then said, “yes what?” I meant to say yes Sir. Then last night I didn’t ask permission to get in the bed and he turned to me and asked if I was testing him. I was a little confused. I told him no and he explained to me that all day it had seemed as if I was testing him to see how far I could push him or how long he would let me get away with things. It hit me, I had not been myself all day and didn’t feel good. I told him that I didn’t feel well and that I just wasn’t myself. He then understood.
It got me to thinking. I wonder if I have ever unintentionally tested Master. I have read many threads on fetlife about subs and slaves that push their boundaries or test how far they can push their Dom/Master. I Do not think that this would be beneficial for either party. To me it shows a lack of trust on the sub/slaves part. If a sub/slave feels she has to test the waters so to speak to see how far he/she can go before something happens, then the dynamic is not what it should be. It shows a lack of communication, that is very much-needed. It also shows a lack of respect on the slave’s part. It may be that the slave is trying to get her Dom/Master to be more Dominant or show more authority. Or may be that she just wants to see how far he/she can push before getting punished or disciplined. If this is happening, the dynamic in my opinion is broken. When you enter into a relationship/dynamic there has to already be a trust there and a confidence that things are the way they should be. And the people involved have agreed as to how their dynamic should work. (meaning boundaries, limits, etc.) There just should be no reason for the sub/slave to even want to test their Dom/Master.
Every person goes through what we call life. things happen and we all get caught in everyday life things. And sometimes our Masters/Doms have a lot on their plates. They have work, stress, bills, us to take care of, and many other things. If there are days that he/she doesn’t show their dominance, it shouldn’t be thought of as a fault or maybe they don’t want me anymore, or I need to test them to see if I am still what they want. Just be there because you care, because you of all people should know what your Master wants and needs. By serving him at all times even when their dominance isn’t showing, is a testament to you as his property and slave. As I am sure that your owner shows care and concern when you are not your best and when you don’t feel like submitting on those days when you don’t feel good.
Just trust your dynamic and the one that you with. Communicate your needs and wants and there will not be a reason to feel like you have to “test the waters.” And remember…if you still feel like you want or need to test the water or push your boundaries, be careful of what you wish for…you just might get it, and might not be what you were hoping for. So, be prepared that if you keep it up, you might be released and asked to leave. Just a thought!