Struggling

Making friends for me is pretty hard. In the past I have tried keeping people at a distance. i have a fear of being hurt and losing people I have become close to. I have tried to change that and let people into my life. I like having others to talk to and share things with. i have been enjoying that. But, in meeting people and making friends come the chance of rejection, judgement and the fear of losing those friends. 

There is also another chance you take. When you speak truth and honesty and it’s not taken well or they view as an attack when its not, then you stand the chance of being looked at differently. Maybe differently is not the right word. Maybe its resentfulness or conflict.  I was taught to be honest and truthful. If someone asks my advise I am honest with them. If someone asks my opinion…I give it. I would hope that being honest wouldn’t push them away. But, it seems it has. When someone needs support and kind words…i’m your girl. I support my friends and those that ask for it when it’s needed. For some reason now, it has turned out to be not such a good thing. When did honesty and truth start being a bad thing? Why fault someone for being supportive with kind words, honesty and truthfulness was asked for?  I could never fault anyone for that. I may not like what was said, I may not agree with what was said, but I respect that person for giving the advise and words. Friendship shouldn’t come with exclusions.  

Maybe the answer is not to help, not get involved, not give the advice when its asked for. But, that’s not what I consider friendship. I lived through a lot and suffered a lot during my life. I have a lot to share, a lot to be thankful for and I have a lot to give to others. But, I don’t want to be judged by what I say or do if its comes from the heart, if it is truthful, honest, and well meaning. I don’t want to cause conflict. 

Those walls that I broke through to be able to make friends are looking like they may be building themselves back up again. I will fight to keep them away, but that in it self is a hard job. Seeking shelter is always the easiest thing to do.

I will continue to live my life with honesty, integrity and respect. I will continue to support those that need it….even if I am faulted for it. All that matters is what I think of myself and how Master sees me. 

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This is getting old

I really sick of being sick. first I had my gallbladder and a growth out. Then I get an infection from that. Right after that I get an awful sinus infection. I then gave it to Master. 😦     Then I thought I was about over it and here it goes again. I hate this no energy and not feeling good. I am ready to be up and doing stuff and feeling me again. UGH!

This why I haven’t been blogging. I will write again as soon as I am over the guntch! lol


All in due time

I cannot begin to to express how ecstatic I am at this moment. its going to take some getting used to.

It has been a long time coming. Master and I have been together for almost 6 years now. He could have done this when w first got together or even shortly after. But, that is not him, nor is it me. It had to be right, we both had to be sure, I needed to be enslaved by him mind, body and soul.

When we first got together we knew we were so right for each other. We thought a like, we wanted the same things out of life, it just felt right with him.
He makes me laugh and we can just be together in the same room or side by side and not say anything. We are good together. It hasn’t always been easy. We have been through some hard times. There were times when I questioned if this was really for me or was he really the one for me. I am so glad we made though all that. Sometimes you just have to take a step backwards to be able to forwards.

His dominance is just there. It shows just by looking at him. I am in awe of him ever day. I love and worship him more than I ever thought I would or could. My place is at his feet and for me that is the best place in the world to be. He has taught me so many things and has given me the life that I always wanted. A life where I could be who I was and I who I was meant to be.

I believe that the people in our lives come to us for a reason. Even if its for a short period of time or a life time. There is a reason for their presence. Master came into my life at a time when I needed a savior. Someone to help me through one of the toughest parts of my life. And he did just that. He taught me how to trust again and to let my walls down. He made me pull up my boot straps and carry on and trudge through those hard times. And he continues to do that for me. He has loved my girls like they were his own. He has given them guidance and love over these past years. That has meant the world to me and to them.

I am looking forward to the many years to come with Master. I am his slave and property. I am proud to call myself his. But, now I am his collared slave. It has finally happened. I couldn’t be any happier than I am right now.


Master

Sometimes it amazes me how much Master loves and cares for me. He has gone through so much with me and has never left my side. He takes care of me when I need taking care of. These past few days have been really hard and he just smiles at me and tells me how much he loves me. I really am a lucky girl to be able to call him my Master.

I actually really do worship him and everything about him. I still get that giddy feeling every time I look at him and every time he touches me. I love the way he uses me , I love the kind of control he has over him. I tell him he is swierce  (sweet & fierce all at the same time). I am in awe of him…I love him,  I am glad that I belong to him.


Life

I haven’t written in a while. I have had some things going on and I just haven’t felt well. I am now hopefully on the mend and things will get back to normal. Well, as normal as they can get for now. 

I had surgery a few days ago and I am feeling better today. I may even get out and try to go Lowe’s  with Master. We will see.

I am still waiting on Master to collar me. It has been driving me crazy. Knowing that the collar is here and he hasn’t collared me yet. I know it will happen, it’s just a matter of the timing. We haven’t a good time for it to happen. Hopefully now, since we are just about over this hurdle it will happen soon. I for one cannot wait.

I promise, there is more to come and I will be back to writing very soon!


Refocusing

Things here at home have a little chaotic for the past week or so. My mind has been in a hundred different places. Last night Master let me know that my soul focus is on him. Even though I have things to do and take care of, he thinks my focus has shifted and it doesn’t sit well with him. I guess you could say that he yanked on my leash a little last night. And it actually felt good to be put back into my place. A little reminder of what my first priority should be.

I don’t do this often, get off track on what my focus should be. But, with my daughter having come home and wanting to spend lots of time with her and shopping for Christmas, and wanting to do my crafts…I just got off track. But, when it does happen Master is very good about reigning me back in and setting me straight. Sometimes that might include just a few words, to yanking the leash (so to speak), or it could entail a little physical reminder. I just know that I feel like a disappointment when this happens, but it is good to be reminded.


Loving last night

Last night Master and I had a movie night. It was really great. I served as his footstool throughout most of the movie. We had some wine and after the movie, we turned in a little early. We laid in bed and just talked and cut up. I love these kind of nights. They just seem to be really special and I wish had more of them. 

More and more Master seems to finding ways to use me. He has been delving into objectification more than he usually does. I am finding that I am really enjoying it. It is just one more to serve him. I hope this continues and e go even deeper into it.